Don't Fight the Feeling
Bradley Dorfan
Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel - and I believe there’s no better way to phrase this - like complete and utter sh*t? I know I do! So, what do we do on those days we feel down in the dumps; depressed; like everything we do is just wrong; like we’re useless and stupid and worthless; like we’re the laughing stock of everyone we know? In this issue of Thinking Out Loud, I discuss my thought process when dealing with these negative feelings.
‘Our fear of rejection forces us to sacrifice our own best interests in favour of being well-received by the world around us’.
This instalment of “Thinking Out Loud” is dedicated to those who often find themselves feeling awful about themselves (sometimes seemingly, apparently for no good or obvious reason).
Do you ever just feel like a shitty person, an idiot, loser or a pathetic waste of space?
Do you ever just feel like giving up, as a wave of negative emotions consumes you?
It could have been something you did or said, or it could have hit you completely out of the blue while you were simply minding your own business.
I know what it’s like, because I’ve used a variety of colourful adjectives (like those above) to describe myself in the past, too. Even to this day, I can sometimes feel absolutely horrible, and still have to be vigilant regarding not allowing my thoughts to get the better of me.
It is in light of this that I thought I’d share a few perspectives that you could try to bear in mind - in the hopes of silencing that self-deprecating voice inside your head - whenever you think you’ve done something wrong, said something stupid or are just a terrible human being… unworthy of respect, love or (dare I say it) oxygen 😱
When we feel bad about ourselves (for whatever reason) we often also feel bad ABOUT FEELING BAD about ourselves.
This just makes an already painful situation a whole lot worse, and we end up falling deeper & deeper into a pit of despair.
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A Self Fulfilling Prophecy
Whatever you do, don’t listen to the voice/s inside your head! And definitely don’t just blindly accept what they say about you as gospel.
They will tell you that you are a terrible person and that those around you think this way about you too.
If you don’t reject this sentiment immediately, you will start to believe it and then project this image of yourself out into the world as a result.
Then, when you engage with others thinking this way about yourself (and thinking others think this way about you too), this belief will manifest in your demeanour and you will convey to both yourself and others that you ARE all these negative traits, instead of just FEELING them.
Emphasis on the Negative
We think poorly of ourselves because we believe, if only we could iron out all of our flaws, then our lives would be amazing.
Ironically, all this amounts to is us putting ourselves down and causing more problems long-term.
Evolutionarily speaking, it makes sense that we’d want to reduce or eliminate our negative traits; because we increase our chances of survival and reproduction if accepted by others or a community.
This belief manifests as a fear of rejection, and our fear of rejection forces us into sacrificing our own bests interests in order to be well-received by the world around us.
Feelings About Feelings
I fully believe that our greatest problem when feeling like shit, is the fact that we also end up feeling like shit for feeling like shit.
In other words, feeling bad about ourselves wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t also beat ourselves up for feeling bad about ourselves.
We get caught up in this spiral of negative feelings, falling deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.
What we need to do (as soon as we start experiencing these mix of emotions) is stop and reflect on why we feel this way and what, perhaps, triggered these emotions.
Under Pressure
We put way too much pressure on ourselves.
We believe that we need to have everything all figured out; that we aren’t allowed to make mistakes; and that any other person in our position wouldn’t be such a monumental disappointment.
We set these impossibly high expectations for (and of) ourselves and then, in turn - when we inevitably fall drastically short of these expectations - instead of treating the situation as a challenge to learn, improve and grow, we chastise ourselves, become convinced that we are incapable of achieving anything worthwhile in life and then apply this defeatist attitude to other (or all) areas of our lives.
Conclusion
Would you let someone else talk to you the way you speak to yourself?
Undeniably, there are people in our lives who we may (figuratively) let get away with murder… but, logically, and under normal circumstances, we would never stand for this sort of abuse.
Just as we ought not accept being verbally abused by other people, we must apply this same principle to ourselves and the internal narrative we let circulate around our heads.
In this article I guide you through the 5 strategies I (personally) use to help alleviate negative feelings, especially when it seems too overwhelming to cope, or when I can’t think clearly as a result.
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Would you like to escape a mediocre existence? Sign up for my FREE eBook and email course on how to Escape Mediocrity (including access to an exclusive 5-part article diving deeper into the psychology behind how one might find themselves living a life of quiet desperation).
I also recommend that you read ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck’ by Mark Manson, which addresses how most of us sabotage ourselves and what we should (or can) do to improve our circumstances.
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Edenvale, Dowerglen, South Africa